PROLOGUE: As you have no doubt heard by now, late yesterday afternoon, the Arts and Entertainment Channel “un-suspended” the Patriarch of its hit show, “Duck Dynasty”, “Duck Commander” Phil Robertson.
For those average Americans, like myself, who do not live in the land of Libs and Vichy Republicans (but, I repeat myself), known as the Northeast Corridor, or the East Coast, I, a lowly Christian American Conservative, located in Dixie, like the Robertsons, offer the following translation of A&E’s Press Release, announcing Commander Phil’s “return”.
As a global media content company, A+E Networks’ core values are centered around creativity, inclusion and mutual respect. We believe it is a privilege for our brands to be invited into people’s homes, and we operate with a strong sense of integrity and deep commitment to these principles.
TRANSLATION: We had no freakin’ clue that all of you ignorant rednecks in Flyover Country knew how to write or send E-mails. Color us surprised. We thought that we were going to get away with suspending this “Christianist” Hick, who dared to stand up to us about that whole Praying thing that we told him to leave off the show. When we found this interview, which was actually done in 2010, we thought we had our opportunity to be rid of him.
That is why we reacted so quickly and strongly to a recent interview with Phil Robertson. While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the “coarse language” he used and the misinterpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article. He also made it clear he would “never incite or encourage hate.” We at A+E Networks expressed our disappointment with his statements in the article and reiterate that they are not views we hold.
TRANSLATION: We realize that he was paraphrasing the Bible, citing 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11, but being the sheltered, snotty Liberals that we are, we had no idea that Christians would actually stand up for one of their own. We thought that all of you guys would simply turn the other cheek and let us do what we want. Of course, we fully intend to camouflage our own stupidity and intolerance of Christian American Conservatives, by continuing to refer to the Robertsons as “coarse”, while we curse at the top of our lungs in our everyday conversations in our corporate offices.
Of course, they are not the views we hold. Phil Robertson is a Christian Southern American self-made millionaire, who holds a Masters Degree from Louisiana Tech, who still says “Yes, Ma’am” and “No, Sir” and believes that a marriage is comprised of one man and one woman.
But Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family … a family that America has come to love. As you might have seen in many episodes, they come together to reflect and pray for unity, tolerance and forgiveness. These are three values that we at A+E Networks also feel strongly about.
TRANSLATION: We recruited these yokels for this show, because we thought it was going to be the Reality Show-Version of “The Beverly Hillbillies”. Imagine our shock and disbelief when we figured out that America was laughing with the Robertsons and not at them. Then, imagine our incredulity when, after we suspended Commander Phil, the family told us that they would not do the show without him.
So, now we’re scrambling to save face, as you can see, by the fact that we are now claiming to approve of their praying, which we tried to take off the show. Hypocritical? You betcha.
So after discussions with the Robertson family, as well as consulting with numerous advocacy groups, A&E has decided to resume filming Duck Dynasty later this spring with the entire Robertson family.
TRANSLATION: After the ratings for our Christmas “Duck Dynasty” Marathon went into the porcelain receptacle, we had to do something. We had no choice. “Duck Dynasty” brings in millions of dollars to us.
After all, like every other Liberal in a position of power, our public self-righteousness always loses to our private unabashed avarice.
We will also use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people, a message that supports our core values as a company and the values found in Duck Dynasty. These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio.
TRANSLATION: “Unity, tolerance and acceptance”, except for you meddling “Christianists”. Your standing strong for your Faith is the reason we couldn’t get rid of these “Backwoods Baptisers” and now, we’ve been exposed for the intolerant Liberals that we are. So, we are forced to hide that intolerance , by producing Liberal PSA’s.
EPILOGUE: I remember my Daddy (Southern colloquialism for the male parental unit) telling me that character is how you act when no one is watching.
A&E revealed their character, when they thought that no one was watching them.
Unfortunately for them, America was watching them…and we did not like what we saw.
And now, this convoluted “apology” will not do a doggone thing to “polish up” their now-tarnished image in the minds of average Americans.
So, they had better treat the Robertsons right. They are all that is keeping A&E from becoming just another Notheast Regional Cable Network…like MSNBC.
Until He Comes,